Who stole my mojo?
Everytime I fail to make a friend feel powerful, I fail. Everytime I fail to aid a friend become successfull. I fail. Everytime I fail to transform a dear person in my life, I fail.
Everytime I’m being someone to look good in front of others, I fail.
Everytime I take a stand for someone’s life, and give up on them, I fail.
It’s so easy to let go off people, just leave them alone and let them go on their own paths. Cut them off from our lives. It’s so much more harder to keep at them, keep them going. Be there for them no matter what. Whether they love you, hate you. Giving them a gentle push, just a nudge, in the direction where they really can live a fulfilling life.
How do I become that power..that force, which takes everyone along powerfully? Taking everyone places where they want to be.
Giving people what they really really want, not what they think they want, but what they really really want is the ultimate pleasure. It’s a long process. Takes years. But when it happens, it has a long-lasting impact on their lives. They never forget you. You never forget them.
To those I’d given up on: I’m sorry, I was weak. I couldn’t see the hidden power inside you. I channelized my energy towards hatre and regret.
So, who stole my mojo? I did.
With a renewed resolve now: I’ll be your coach, your leading light till you can shine the all way for others to see. I will stand with you, live with you and when the time comes, die by you.
Edited. Orginally written on 14th January 2009.
The coin that didn't like being flipped
“Hate, regret, anger and frustration are just one side of the coin.
Maybe, discovering what you never wished to discover is the flip side of going beyond one’s reasons.
But no matter what, it’s what one creates in such situations that makes one powerful or powerless.
I’ve been feeling powerless in a situation that’s my own creation. Although, the result of which was not what I wanted, but what I feared.
Nobody said it would be easy, but knowing what I’m dealing with surely makes me 10 times lighter.
I do wish though I wasn’t dealing with it alone, but that’s been my weakness throughout, not being able to deal with my life myself!
How and when if not now?!”
..and so it began..
For the one who hasn't..
Jag-ho re!
Of late, I’ve had a truce with myself. I felt this blog had lost it’s purpose with all the self-awareness I’d gained over the past few months; yet there’s something inside of me that constantly wanted others to read updates on my life.
In the past 2 weeks especially, I’ve seen a level of self-expression and open-ness with certain people that I never could imagine. There’s love, care and compassion in my tone. The journey I’ve set on is that of self-lessness; stepping in another’s world and making a difference from there. It’s that journey that’s brought me back to the city of Djinns.
As for the one who hasn’t blogged in a while, jago re! You’re not living your life alone, others wanna hear about you too! Consider this post as a token in that direction.
Stay tuned for more solid updates!
A Coffee With Myself
I did the most unthinkable thing today. Right after finishing meeting up with my LFIA group for our weekly meet, I came back. Saw nobody’s at office. Went to the nearest Barista, got myself a cappuccino with caramel and cream and went on a walk. Just me. It’s the best break I’ve had this entire week. I just wanted to be alone. Surrounded by strangers.
Let me repeat, I wanted to be surrounded by strangers!!
I saw a couple of confused faces. Guy in a jacket. Dressed up nicely. Walking alone with a cup of coffee?!?
There’s only one person I wanted to share this with. I hope she reads this blog-post.
Now, some background into why I felt suffocated. I did a deep introspection today. Went back, long back into my past. Put all the incidents down onto paper. For the first time, today I saw a connection between them. I let my mind be free of any speed-breakers and just wrote as stuff came in my head. I have never done that with the keyboard. It doesn’t happen that way most of the times. Pen and paper definitely rules.
I was amazed to find out a new twist to my tale till now about how I am what I am today. It’s given me a more authentic perspective to my past. One that I genuinely believe. It’s not a story that I’ve cooked for others to read. It’s something I can see clearly. I’m not clear to what degree those connected incidents have affected my life, or my decision making capability but I feel a strong sense of dissatisfaction with my earlier take on the past.
And my Amazing Friend (AF. Earlier refered to as: AW, Q), I see now how there’s so much more to my neediness than I thought. I’m getting closer to dealing with it as I’m beginning to realise this. Thanks again!
A memorable year..
This a quick post. The New Year’s eve and the day that began thereafter was the best birthday celebration BY FAR! We had music, we had a great company, there was dancing, good food, plenty of stories and plenty of singing! Met a few really awesome people for the first time. Had a great time! Left with plenty of good memories and new possibilities.
All in all, last year has been extremely eventful. The amount of things I’ve learned/experienced in 2008 is probably more compared to the last 5 years put together! Stuff I’ve always wanted to do, like playing the guitar, starting my own company, living on my own, earning and most importantly, being responsible for my life without any fear, has happened in the last year.
I made exceptionally talented friends this year. Photographers, film-makers, musicians and writers. The plurals are intended.
My wishlist for 2009 reads as follows:
- Clearing all ambiguities in my life - living on facts
- Keeping sometime for myself everyday
- Ending procrastination
- Composing a song, complete with vocals. Possibly collaborating with a brilliant singer I became friends with recently.
- Living in the moment
