Jag-ho!

Or so happens to be the case. When I thought life’s good (which it is) and things are going fine (which they are) and I tried something different (here’s the deal), it all came back to me with a BAM! Old foggy memories. Feeling helpless. Unsure. Who’s the culprit? Is it love? Gawd I wish I knew.

I didn’t know it back then, I sure as well don’t know if it is now. When it happened back then, we were good friends. We’d call each other, talk to each other everyday..every frickin day. For hours..we’d talk for hours! The most random of things. I remember a conversation we had on baingan bharta. I had feelings for her, some feelings.

Then things started becoming weird. She started dating this hot-shot family friend’s son and little by little, he encroached on our friendship. He even called me all the way from UK where he stayed (he’d come down to India to see her during vacations and then went back), to threaten me. Twice. I could never tell her how I felt, beyond my “liking her”. That’s as far as I knew.

It’s not the pain of losing her to this guy that pisses me off, it’s losing her. It’s losing whatever we had..little or a lot. I’ve missed it for years now.

Cut to the present, I find myself under similar circumstances. Similar grounds. Some confusion. A little feeling of helplessness (or not taking a stand, cause inherently, I’ve always cared about the other person’s feelings a lot more than my own).

I look at her photograph, and this is what I observe. She doesn’t look like a model. She’s not skinny, doesn’t have the curviest body, her face makes her look a lot older than she is. But when I meet her, I see a lively person with big beady eyes. Adorably cute. Energy that is somehow contained in her beautifully dressed body, waiting to burst out any minute. She’s a woman of elegance who wears the most perfect clothes.

Where does this leave me? I don’t know. What am I feeling here? I don’t know. I know what I’m feeling, but how do I put it in words? It’s a feeling of “being” around her. Being complete. Being strong and powerful. Being caring and lovable. Compassionate. Being in the moment. Being complete, in the moment.

UPDATE: Perhaps I didn’t stress enough how beautiful she is! Spend 10 seconds around her and feel her charm take over. It’s a great feeling. It doesn’t have a name. You can’t put a name to it!