Jag-ho re!
Of late, I’ve had a truce with myself. I felt this blog had lost it’s purpose with all the self-awareness I’d gained over the past few months; yet there’s something inside of me that constantly wanted others to read updates on my life.
In the past 2 weeks especially, I’ve seen a level of self-expression and open-ness with certain people that I never could imagine. There’s love, care and compassion in my tone. The journey I’ve set on is that of self-lessness; stepping in another’s world and making a difference from there. It’s that journey that’s brought me back to the city of Djinns.
As for the one who hasn’t blogged in a while, jago re! You’re not living your life alone, others wanna hear about you too! Consider this post as a token in that direction.
Stay tuned for more solid updates!
I did the most unthinkable thing today. Right after finishing meeting up with my LFIA group for our weekly meet, I came back. Saw nobody’s at office. Went to the nearest Barista, got myself a cappuccino with caramel and cream and went on a walk. Just me. It’s the best break I’ve had this entire week. I just wanted to be alone. Surrounded by strangers.
Let me repeat, I wanted to be surrounded by strangers!!
I saw a couple of confused faces. Guy in a jacket. Dressed up nicely. Walking alone with a cup of coffee?!?
There’s only one person I wanted to share this with. I hope she reads this blog-post.
Now, some background into why I felt suffocated. I did a deep introspection today. Went back, long back into my past. Put all the incidents down onto paper. For the first time, today I saw a connection between them. I let my mind be free of any speed-breakers and just wrote as stuff came in my head. I have never done that with the keyboard. It doesn’t happen that way most of the times. Pen and paper definitely rules.
I was amazed to find out a new twist to my tale till now about how I am what I am today. It’s given me a more authentic perspective to my past. One that I genuinely believe. It’s not a story that I’ve cooked for others to read. It’s something I can see clearly. I’m not clear to what degree those connected incidents have affected my life, or my decision making capability but I feel a strong sense of dissatisfaction with my earlier take on the past.
And my Amazing Friend (AF. Earlier refered to as: AW, Q), I see now how there’s so much more to my neediness than I thought. I’m getting closer to dealing with it as I’m beginning to realise this. Thanks again!
This a quick post. The New Year’s eve and the day that began thereafter was the best birthday celebration BY FAR! We had music, we had a great company, there was dancing, good food, plenty of stories and plenty of singing! Met a few really awesome people for the first time. Had a great time! Left with plenty of good memories and new possibilities.
All in all, last year has been extremely eventful. The amount of things I’ve learned/experienced in 2008 is probably more compared to the last 5 years put together! Stuff I’ve always wanted to do, like playing the guitar, starting my own company, living on my own, earning and most importantly, being responsible for my life without any fear, has happened in the last year.
I made exceptionally talented friends this year. Photographers, film-makers, musicians and writers. The plurals are intended.
My wishlist for 2009 reads as follows:
Here I am. Doing unreasonable things. Writing this compeltely irrelevant non-sense post. Feeling no pain. No regret. Not even a sense of relief. Just present to the world around me. Present to my responsibilities and commitments. There’s no feeling of happiness, or sorrow. No guilt. No pleasure. No thrill. No chills.
I’m content. I can die this very minute and be satisfied with the life I’ve lived.
Maybe.
Except for one regret.
I never told her I love her.
I’m imagining myself being run over by a truck. As it’s driving over my limb, each centimetre of overlap triggers a confession or regret.
The first thought which flashes in my mind is not telling her I love her. And now she’ll never know. This is a regret I’ll take on, even after death.
How wrong was I to think I’m there already.
Boy, you’ve got some serious work to do..
TO HER: If you’re reading this, don’t worry. I’m as lost as you are. If I haven’t told you this till now, it’s cause I’m too lost in a promise I made that’s gotten me stuck. The fact that I initiated it doesn’t help much. Maybe you could break it. Or maybe I could too. I had a small chat with someone accomplished and trained for giving suggestions in such a place (you had suggeted this person long back, she happened to call me yesterday on a routine bases). Her suggestions was that we’re both in the middle of a lot of things..(rest on email when we talk on the phone. Text can’t capture this communication. Yes, I really want you to know this first-hand)
UPDATE: I told her. I’m complete with her about where I stand. One less regret when I die :-) But this has opened a whole new Pandora’s box for me. More on it in the next post.
Or so happens to be the case. When I thought life’s good (which it is) and things are going fine (which they are) and I tried something different (here’s the deal), it all came back to me with a BAM! Old foggy memories. Feeling helpless. Unsure. Who’s the culprit? Is it love? Gawd I wish I knew.
I didn’t know it back then, I sure as well don’t know if it is now. When it happened back then, we were good friends. We’d call each other, talk to each other everyday..every frickin day. For hours..we’d talk for hours! The most random of things. I remember a conversation we had on baingan bharta. I had feelings for her, some feelings.
Then things started becoming weird. She started dating this hot-shot family friend’s son and little by little, he encroached on our friendship. He even called me all the way from UK where he stayed (he’d come down to India to see her during vacations and then went back), to threaten me. Twice. I could never tell her how I felt, beyond my “liking her”. That’s as far as I knew.
It’s not the pain of losing her to this guy that pisses me off, it’s losing her. It’s losing whatever we had..little or a lot. I’ve missed it for years now.
Cut to the present, I find myself under similar circumstances. Similar grounds. Some confusion. A little feeling of helplessness (or not taking a stand, cause inherently, I’ve always cared about the other person’s feelings a lot more than my own).
I look at her photograph, and this is what I observe. She doesn’t look like a model. She’s not skinny, doesn’t have the curviest body, her face makes her look a lot older than she is. But when I meet her, I see a lively person with big beady eyes. Adorably cute. Energy that is somehow contained in her beautifully dressed body, waiting to burst out any minute. She’s a woman of elegance who wears the most perfect clothes.
Where does this leave me? I don’t know. What am I feeling here? I don’t know. I know what I’m feeling, but how do I put it in words? It’s a feeling of “being” around her. Being complete. Being strong and powerful. Being caring and lovable. Compassionate. Being in the moment. Being complete, in the moment.
UPDATE: Perhaps I didn’t stress enough how beautiful she is! Spend 10 seconds around her and feel her charm take over. It’s a great feeling. It doesn’t have a name. You can’t put a name to it!
